


My Sister's Keeper

by parttimehuman



Series: Tragedy [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Heavy Angst, M/M, hospital au, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 05:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Liam spends a lot of time at the hospital where his stepdad works, mostly because he has become best friends with one of the cancer patients, Tara, and fallen in love with Tara's brother, Theo. Tara has blood and bone marrow cancer and depends on her brother's donations to stay alive. Things get complicated when Tara's kidneys are failing just after Theo turned eighteen and he makes the decision not to give her one of his. There are things between the two siblings that not even Liam knows about.





	1. The Battle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TrashWrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashWrites/gifts).



> Happy Birthday to my partner in crime, bad cop, tamer of moose, collector of hearts and master of angst-prompts.  
> As you will see, I didn't exactly follow your prompt, but I'm gifting you my MCD-virginity, so I hope you like it. 
> 
>  
> 
> For everyone else, PLEASE BE AWARE OF THE TAGS! MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH AHEAD!  
> Those who know the movie/book "My Sister's Keeper" that this fic is based on know what awaits them, for those of you who don't, I'll say that you might want to grab a box of tissues.

Liam can feel the vibrations of his phone against his leg as he’s sitting through the last twenty minutes of the school day, pretending to be listening to Mrs Finch talking about photosynthesis. It’s making him restless, not that he’s been a very good listener in biology before. He simply doesn’t care about it, he’s clearly not following in his stepdad’s footsteps and becoming a doctor. 

 

Once again, time rudely refuses to pass, and his phone receiving a few more messages before the bell rings absolutely doesn’t help Liam’s impatience. He wonders who they could be from, since his parents never text him while he’s in school, and almost all of his friends are sitting in the same or any other classroom with him at the moment. But Liam has a friend outside of school as well, and frankly, the thought that it could be her renders him nervous. 

 

As soon as last period is over, he rushes outside, doesn’t bother getting his jacket from his locker or putting the heavy biology textbook back in there, he just moves ahead with one hand cupping his phone through the pocket of his jeans as if to make sure he can’t lose it. Liam exhales deeply as he leaves the school grounds and turns around the next corner, leaning against a cool wall while his hands fumble with his pants to free the phone. 

 

He doesn’t know what exactly he’s afraid of, or why he always automatically assumes the worst, but something in the air around him is giving him chills, and it’s dumb, yes, but he has a feeling, an irk somewhere inside him, and it won’t leave him alone, and so his fingers are a little shaky as he clicks on the notification stating that he has eight unread messages from Tara.

 

They all come down to the same thing:  _ I need you. Can you come help me find my brother?  _

 

Liam doesn’t even have to think about it. He’s moving and on his way over to the hospital before he can begin to wonder what can possibly have happened. He’s known Tara for years now, and her brother Theo almost as long. She’s been a patient at the hospital for most of those years, one of Liam’s stepdad’s patients, and Theo has been the only person to spend more time sitting by her bed and keeping her company than Liam. By now, they’re friends, close friends, although Liam often feels like there are more mysteries about Theo than things he knows about the boy. 

 

_ On my way,  _ he texts back before he falls into a steady jog. Tara wouldn’t be asking him to come to the hospital if it wasn’t urgent. Something must have happened, Liam knows it. It’s not exactly unusual for Theo to disappear from time to time. He needs space, needs to be alone, needs to drive his truck out of town and get away, and who could blame him? Certainly not Liam. Because he might not be much into the medical details, but what he knows is bad enough. 

 

Tara has blood and bone marrow cancer, has been fighting it almost all her life, and Theo has saved his sister’s life on more than one or two occasions by donating blood and bone marrow. And still, after years spent in hospitals and afraid of needles, after surgeries and pain and tears, after goodbyes and unexpected recoveries - he’s still watching his only sister dying. 

 

Usually, Tara’s the one to ask everybody else for patience with her little brother. She covers for him in front of their parents, pretends not to know where he is, promises Liam that Theo will be back and alright in no time when Liam gets anxious. And that’s what makes panic rise up inside Liam now, because if Tara needs to find Theo, if Tara is actually worried about him being gone, if Tara is scared for once, then there sure is a good reason. Liam moves faster, starts running. 

 

***

 

Tara is sitting in her stupid hospital bed, wearing her stupid hospital gown, the tray with the stupid hospital food sitting on the little table next to her, untouched, of course. She doesn’t have time for that right now. This time, she has no idea where Theo is. He usually tells her when he leaves and where he goes, or if he doesn’t, then he lets her know shortly after via text message. He knows exactly that she worries when he doesn’t, and worrying his sister is so unlike Theo that it can only mean two things. He either can’t text her - the possible reason in that scenario is something she doesn’t even want to think about, or he’s so mad that he thinks she deserves it.

 

As much as it hurts, Tara would prefer the second option. In moments like this one, she hates the hospital so much, hates the weakness of her own body and the tubes in her nose providing her with air. She feels utterly powerless. If she can’t even breathe on her own, how is she supposed to look after her little brother? 

 

Of course, Theo is not that little. He just turned eighteen and with the beard and all the muscles he’s been building, he looks so much unlike the people Tara is used to from the hospital that it’s almost comical. If the siblings are two halves of a whole, then Theo is the better half in every possible way. He’s not just strong, he’s handsome. The same green shines from both their eyes, but in Theo’s face it looks magically beautiful while the glow only makes Tara look sick. He’s smart, incredibly smart and about to finish high school with excellent grades in spite of absolutely never studying or putting any other kind of remarkable effort in it. 

 

Admittedly,Theo’s sense of humor is arguable at best, but the important thing is that he’s kind. Theo has been there for as long as Tara can remember, always at the side of her bed, holding her hand, painting her nails although he hates the smell of nail polish, watching tv shows with her that he always says are girl stuff, but pays incredibly close attention to. 

 

Her brother has saved Tara’s life on numerous occasions, but if she made a list with all the reasons why she loves him, none of the countless donations would even make it on the first page. She loves him the most for the stories he’s read her and the encouragement when she’s been afraid of a surgery or a new therapy method. For the flowers he’s brought her, not those ridiculously huge bouquets that smell like the guilt of a relative who hasn’t visited in two years, but small ones, plucked from an actual meadow, colorful and small enough to put it behind her ear. Sometimes, he makes her flower crowns. 

 

She loves him for the deck of cards he gave her for her sixteenth birthday, every single card designed by himself, drawn and painted with loving detail. She loves him for their inside jokes and the game they play where they sit in the hospital hallway and make up a dramatic life story for every passing visitor or patient. She loves him for the tons of actual food he sneaks in for her, especially the white chocolate. He always ends up eating more of it than she does, but Tara doesn’t mind it.

 

Other than her, Theo has a life. He goes to school and meets people, he’s free to go wherever he wants and frankly, neither of their parents has the energy to control him very much. He’s young and so pretty that it’s gross, and when someone wants to get to know him, he can tell them about other things than his friends the nurses or the latest cancer drug or what it feels like to be suffering from a terminal illness. Tara loves Theo for endless reasons, and then there’s one she can’t help but hate him for. He’s healthy. 

 

It’s wrong. It’s all wrong and Tara knows it. She knows that none of her pain is his fault, on the contrary. If anything, Theo has made her life easier, better, has made the sorry excuse of a childhood and youth worth fighting through. He’s never asked for any of it either, and he’s been robbed of normalcy just as well, has sacrificed more than she even dares thinking about. But things are changing, possibly for the last time now, and although the thought of dying has been Tara’s most trusted companion for all her life, she still has to turn twenty-one in the fall, and she’s scared that she won’t. 

 

Once again, Tara sits and stares down at her own hands, skin and bones and blue veins, hands that have been held only to comfort her, never because they’ve been warm or soft and she hates that, too, because dying at the age of twenty is one thing, but dying after twenty years that feel like hundred hospital years and two real life years is the ultimate punishment. She might as well have never lived to begin with. She could have saved Theo so much pain. She could have saved Theo. 

 

The door opens. By the sound alone, Tara can tell who it is. There’s only one person ever visiting her who tears doors open like this, almost like they can’t wait for it to make way to let them  pass, stepping inside the room with an energy that doesn’t fit the place at all. 

 

“Liam,” she says, a strange and cruel mixture of relief and pain welling up inside her. 

 

“What happened?” Liam asks breathlessly. His forehead is damp with sweat, his cheeks flushed, his hands a little shaky. Tara holds out a small bottle of water for him. Liam takes it, but he doesn’t allow himself to drink before he can shoot all the most important questions at her. “Are you alright? Where is Theo? Why is he not here? Is he okay? Do you need me to get him?” 

 

And this is what Tara loves Liam for. As the son of Dr. Geyer, the head of the oncology department at Beacon Hills Memorial, Liam has spent a fair amount of time around sick and dying kids. He knows the smell of post-chemo vomit and the look of bald children heads. He’s familiar with the sounds of wailing mothers and what a family looks like when they go home with one kid less than they came with. Liam knows the misery. But what’s special about Liam is the way he deals with it. 

 

Because Liam is always ready to fight. He’s so willing and prepared to take on the whole world that it gets exhausting sometimes. When Tara gets bad news and wants to hide beneath the blanket until the battle is over and Theo leaves her to it because he understands but Liam can’t stand the silence or the resignation, then she really wants to punch him sometimes. Not badly, not so much that it hurts - not that she’s even strong enough for that - but sometimes it’s too much, the hope and the excitement and the determination, because when you don’t allow yourself to believe in it, it can break your heart seeing that other people do. 

 

At other times, Liam’s restless energy is exactly what Tara needs. She loves it when he goes into puppy mode and makes these pouty lips that, in combination with the big baby blue eyes, neither her nor Theo can deny anything. Liam is the only person who sees a hospital as the perfect place to play hide and seek, and when they get caught and lectured on appropriate behavior around cancer patients, the ridiculing roll of his eyes is absolutely priceless. 

 

Tara can absolutely not imagine what her life would be like if she hadn’t met Liam all those years ago. Maybe she would have given up a long time ago. Because Liam is the only friend she’s ever had, not counting brothers or fellow cancer kids. There is at least one person though that Tara knows for a fact loves Liam more than she does, and that person is Theo. Although the two boys only ever met because of her and have spent close to zero time without her and outside of the hospital, their relationship is something that she’s never seen before. 

 

The longing looks and the lingering touches, the blushing and the nervous giggles, the counting on each other, the silent understanding, the communication through a single nod of a head, the shared worries and the offered comfort, all of it makes Tara feel like this is what the romance movies she always watches are trying to sell her, but more, much more and more intense, burning brighter, sizzling and crackling like a fire. Sometimes, when their shoulders touch, she expects sparks to be emitted. 

 

Tara exhales deeply. Liam is standing in front of her bed, looking at her expectantly, a silent plea in his eyes to tell him what’s going on, to relieve him of the worst case scenario he’s probably making up in his mind. She doesn’t know how to tell him the truth, because whatever his worst case scenario looks like, it’s probably not that far away from it. 

 

“I got bad news, Liam,” she says, willing her voice strong and clear. Better make it quick and painful. “Can you sit down, please?” She pats the sheet next to her. It’s almost unbearable how afraid Liam looks. He hesitates for a moment and then settles down next to her, she slides her skinny hand in his. “I’m dying, Liam.” 

 

“No you’re not!” is Liam’s immediate reaction. His body goes stiff, his fingers squeeze tight around Tara’s. She wants to laugh and cry at the same time. Liam doesn’t know, not yet, but he’s so sure that he can’t accept what she’s about to tell him that it touches something inside her that starts bleeding right away. 

 

“I am,” she whispers. She never starts crying when she thinks about it on her own, only when she’s with those she’ll leave behind. “My kidneys are failing.” She gives Liam a minute to let the information sink in.

 

They told her a few days ago. She sees Liam’s eyes widening as he realizes that she’s not just having another depressive episode, that the signs are actually really, really bad for her. Liam doesn’t want to become a doctor like his stepdad, but he knows that a human needs at least one working kidney to live. 

 

“No,” he shakes his head while he whispers, “no, no, no, no, no.” 

 

“Yes,” Tara nods. She hates the tears that are streaming down his cheeks. She hates the reason for them. “My kidneys are failing and there is no donor in sight and by the time there is one, it might very well be too late.” 

 

“What about Theo?” Liam asks with a sob. Tara understands. Theo has always been the first thought. His sister’s savior over and over again, but not this time. 

 

“No, Liam,” she says quietly, wiping a tear away from his cheek. “Not anymore. Theo is eighteen now, and he’s decided he won’t do this any longer.”

 

“What?” Liam asks in surprise. “No! Why? He loves you. He doesn’t want you to die!” 

 

“You are right,” Tara replies. Explaining this is so much harder than she expected, and she expected it to be awful. “Theo’s body belongs to him, Liam,” she continues. “Do you know what life with one kidney would be like? He would spend his whole life making doctor’s appointments every few months. He’d never get to play lacrosse again, or get drunk on a party. He could never travel the world or go backpacking in South America. He would always have to take care of himself, stay at home, be careful not to get a cold in the winter. That’s not a life, Liam.” 

 

“Dying now is also not a life, Tara,” Liam protests, his eyes full of tears and anger.

 

“No, but I’ve always been the one to die young. Theo has suffered enough.” Thinking about her brother only makes the whole conversation worse. Tara is suddenly picturing baby Theo being held down on an operating table, crying and struggling and deadly afraid of needles. 

 

“You’re telling me he doesn’t want to save your life? You’re lying!” Although his voice is on the verge of breaking, Liam is now almost shouting. 

 

“Listen, Liam,” Tara says, reaching out for his wet cheek. “I need to tell you something about Theo.” 

 

Liam doesn’t reply, he simply cries and nods. 

 

“When Theo was born I was already sick,” she begins explaining, searching Liam’s eyes for understanding. “I got diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia when I was less than two years old. One year later, I got a brother. What I didn’t know back then was that my parents hadn’t given me a little brother, they had provided me with a spare parts depot.” 

 

“W-what?” Liam asks. “I don’t understand.” 

 

“Theo was brought into this world as my savior, Liam,” Tara said. “They created him in a lab so that he’d be a compatible donor for me. He was a few months old when they took bone marrow from him for the first time. Do you know anything about that procedure?” 

 

She can see in his eyes that he does, that he’s picturing the same giant needle pressing through the skin of an innocent little baby boy that she is. “Exactly,” she whispers. “Theo wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for my cancer and that thought has been making me so sick, Liam.” She’s full on sobbing at this point. “I’m so sick of taking things from him. Blood, bone marrow, tissue, when will it ever stop? At a kidney? Or a few organs later?” 

 

“I- I didn’t know that,” Liam whispers, the shock visible in his eyes. 

 

“No, you didn’t,” Tara replisd softly. “You got to know Theo as the kind and loving and brave person that he is and you thought he must love his sister so much that he would do anything to save her. And you were not wrong, Liam. Nobody ever asked Theo before they went and took what they needed from him, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have given it anyway if they had. But this is too much, and I might still die after it, and Theo is now eighteen and has the right to decide for himself. And he has made his decision.” 

 

“Why is he not here?” Liam wants to know. 

 

Tara sighs, another wave of tears escaping her eyes. “He was earlier. And then our parents came barging in. They made a horrible scene.” Liam wraps his arms around her as he can see her breaking apart. “Mom basically blamed him for letting me die. It was so awful, Liam. I’ve never seen him so… helpless. He was so broken. And then he ran away, of course. I totally get it, but I don’t know where he is and if he’s okay right now and I just.. I just need to know, okay?” 

 

“Yes,” Liam whispers, his hand trembling but warm on her shoulder. “I’ll find him, okay? Don’t worry.” This time it’s Liam who wipes away Tara’s tears before he gets up and presses a quick kiss on top of her head. “Stay close to your phone,” he says as he leaves her room, the large, purposeful steps making her feel slightly less miserable. She might be leaving Theo soon, but he will not be alone. 


	2. The Twist

Almost four hours after leaving the hospital, Liam feels like he’s searched every last corner of Beacon Hills twice, but there is still no sign from Theo. Every half hour or so, Tara calls to check up on him and the status of his search, and it pains Liam to disappoint her, to hear her voice turning from hopeful to frustrated to worried sick when he tells her that he still has no clue where Theo could possibly be. 

 

He has tried the Raeken’s house, the high school bleachers and the lacrosse field, the little cabin in the woods that Theo once showed him, the animal clinic where their common friend Scott McCall works, the park with the little bridge across the river, even his own house and the town’s library. Liam has taken his stepdad’s car to be able to move faster, has driven up and down the streets while looking left and right and seeing nothing. 

 

It’s dark by the time he absolutely doesn’t know where to drive next anymore. He tries to think about the things he knows about Theo, tries to make a connection to places that mean something to him, but he can’t come up with any more than the handful he’s already tried. With a twisted sadness weighing at his heart, Liam realizes that he and Theo have barely ever spent any time outside of the hospital. 

 

And then it hits him. He left the hospital to go looking for Theo without ever considering that the other boy might still be there. And then he has this idea that makes so painfully much sense that it almost hurts to think that he hasn’t had it before, but Liam doesn’t want to call Tara before he can be sure. He drives back to Beacon Hills Memorial, forcing himself to pay attention to the speed limits and stop signs while his heart is beating like crazy. 

 

Nobody else knows the route Liam takes from the parking lot around the building across a terrace and up a fire escape, then along a bed of flowers, ducking down beneath illuminated windows before he reaches the next narrow ladder, nobody else except Theo and Tara. The last time they  all climbed up to the roof of the hospital must have been at least months, maybe years ago, partly because it’s absolutely and very strictly forbidden, and partly because Tara hasn’t been strong enough to make it since then. 

 

But Liam will never forget the expression on Theo’s beautiful face when he showed the siblings his secret spot. He will never forget the beat his heart skipped when Theo stepped close to the edge of the roof with his arms spread and the wind messing up his light brown hair, the grin on his face that looked like a combination of freedom and madness as he turned around to Liam and Tara, who both kept a safe distance to the edge. Liam will never forget the white pair of converse dangling high up in the fresh air and the late night conversations when Tara was long asleep somewhere in the building beneath them. 

 

It was on the edge of the roof that Liam gathered up the courage to grab Theo’s hand for the very first time, not in a gesture of comfort about his dying sister, not to wish him luck for surgery, not to squeeze his fingers tight and let go right after, but to intertwine their fingers and let their hands rest between them, palm against palm, the night silent around them, fireworks exploding on the inside. 

 

At the end of the last fire escape, Liam halts and pauses. Something about the tension in Theo’s back and the curve of his bowed neck seems so delicate that he feels like an intruder. He sends Tara a quick text to let her know he found her brother, says that everything is alright although he’s absolutely not sure about that. For several minutes, Liam contemplates climbing back down and leaving Theo in peace, but in the end, he can’t take it.

 

Liam remembers the day he realized he would never become a doctor like David. It was not about him sucking at biology. It was also not about the hospital smell or the sometimes downright awful working hours. He was twelve, maybe thirteen when David sat Liam down to tell him that there was no more hope for his friend Francis who had a brain tumor. Francis was this kid who always brightened the mood in every room they entered, the one who had a kind word for everybody, the one with horrible jokes that everybody loved laughing about. Liam didn’t understand the resignation. He didn’t understand how a doctor like his stepdad could give up on one of his patients, didn’t understand what the man meant when he said trying to save Francis would only make them suffer more. He remembers the strong shoulders that had once carried him around slumped down and trembling after it was over. 

 

“There you are,” Liam says softly. He’s not as good at letting go as David has to be. 

 

“Yeah,” Theo croaks. He sounds like tears and pain and endless, heartbreaking sadness. “Just saying goodbye to my favorite roof.” 

 

“Theo,” Liam begins. When Theo is like this, his words feel like knives in Liam’s heart. 

 

“Come on, Li,” Theo huffs, “As if you don’t know what’s happening.” His voice turns so silent that it’s almost not audible anymore. “She’s dying. And this time, I’m not saving her.” 

 

Liam can’t help it. He wants to, he knows that Theo has all the good reasons to put his own life first, knows that he’s not the one to blame for Tara’s severe condition, but he still doesn’t understand. 

 

“You need your kidneys, Theo,” he says as he sits down next to him on the cold hard surface. Other than Theo, who feels safe high up above everyone else, Liam is a little afraid of heights, but he wills his fear back and down. It’s not important enough right now. 

 

Theo winces as if just stabbed him. “No Liam, not you,” he whispers. “Please don’t tell me that I’m doing the right thing.” 

 

“I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, Theo,” Liam replies. “But… you know, Tara told me about you. About why you were born.” He can hear Theo holding his breath. “I can’t even say anything about that, seriously. Like, I can’t even imagine. None of this is fair to you. You’re just a kid who’s losing his sister. You shouldn’t be making a decision at all.” 

 

“But I have to,” Theo says with bitterness. 

 

“I know,” Liam responds. “And I know I’m not making this any easier on you, but even if I tried, I could not bring myself to disapproving of a choice that will grant you a long life, Theo.” 

 

“You’re not supposed to say this, Li,” Theo presses out, his jaw tensed, his eyes watery. “You were her friend first. You’re supposed to beg me to save her life. You’re supposed to hate me for what I’m doing to her.”

 

“I could never,” Liam shakes his head. “Not you, Theo. I couldn’t hate you if I tried.” 

 

“Liam,” Theo whines. “You don’t want her to die.” 

 

“No,” Liam agrees. “I don’t want her to die and I never wanted her to have cancer. I never wanted to watch her throw up after chemo or shave her head while she’s crying. I never wanted to lose my best friend.” Liam realizes that he only know has the time to process what it means that Tara is actually dying this time. “But if you’re waiting for me to say that her life is more important than yours, then you can wait as long as you want.” 

 

“I wouldn’t even have a life without her,” Theo argues. 

 

Liam swallows. How is he supposed to react to that? Yes, Theo is right about that, but does it have anything to do with the decision he’s making now? “But you’re here,” Liam says. Tears are streaming down his cheeks again, his voice sound strangled and stupid, his arguments stubborn like those of a child, but the helplessness of the situation is so frustrating that it makes him angry.

“You’re here. You live and not just to donate whatever piece of you is needed next, okay? You’ve been living eighteen years of a life, you’ve gone to school and learned things. You’ve met people outside of the hospital. You’re not a piece of meat and blood and fucking bone marrow, Theo. You’re a person. You have a whole life ahead of you. You have people who care about you. You’re here and you’ve made someone fall in love with you and-” 

 

In that moment, Theo turns away and storms off. “Stop that!” he shouts as he makes his way to the end of the ladder to get away from Liam. “Fucking stop it. I can't fucking hear this.” He turns around with the most pain on his face that Liam has ever seen on one person. “Don’t.” he says, and then he disappears. 

 

This time, Liam doesn’t try to follow or find him. He can love Theo all he wants, can feel his heart breaking over thought of Tara dying all he wants, but he will still not understand what is truly going on inside the two of them. There’s nothing he can do to make anything easier on either of the siblings. For now, he can only go home and cry himself to sleep. 

 

***

 

The weeks after Theo’s eighteenth birthday and the news about Tara’s kidneys failing are the absolute worst in her life. She can feel her body getting weaker by the day and soon, even talking costs her an incredible amount of energy. Still, sometimes she feels like jumping out of her bed and slamming somebody’s head against a wall. They’re behaving like idiots, all of them. 

 

Her and Theo’s parents are at their absolute worst. Her Mom has asked Tara about how she’s feeling so many times she pretends to be asleep a lot more than even a healthy person ever could. What’s it supposed to feel like when you’re dying? It feels awful. Her body tenses up when she coughs, but there are not enough muscles to support the instinctive reaction and she falls down into the pillow again. It goes on and on until she loses the last bit of will to continue fighting. She’s so tired. 

 

Theo only comes to see her when neither of their parents are around, and Tara hates them so much for it, because these are the last days of her life and she wants to look into her baby brother’s face as much as she can with her eyelids so incredibly heavy. She completely understands him, though, always has, but especially since the day Theo fell asleep in the chair next to her and their Mom caught him by her side, throwing him a cold look before moving her eyes to Tara, listening to her daughter’s ragged breathing for a while and saying, “You were supposed to save us this.” 

 

Tara knows the truth. Their Mom loves Theo. How could she not? But Tara has always been her baby, her first born, the one who has always needed protection. Theo would not be alive if Tara’s Mom hadn’t been willing to do absolutely everything to keep her alive. She had brought an entirely new person to life. Her poor reaction, all the guilt she’s putting on Theo now, it’s all just the sheer terror of losing her daughter. Tara knows it, and still, she can’t stand it. 

 

When the whole situation escalates, it escalates properly, and everybody is present. It’s the fourth of July, a strange day for all the kids that barely know what they’re celebrating, since they’ve never gotten to see much of the country they called their home, have never gotten to enjoy all its freedom and beauty. The American Dream is not for everyone after all. 

 

Still, even at the hospital, the hallways and window frames are lavishly decorated with stripes and stars and little statues of liberty made out of cheap plastic. There’s cheesecake and extra long visiting hours and party hats and smiles on the faces of the children that are still too young to see through the charade. For Tara, it means that she can make the whole family visit her again, can invite the Geyers and Liam to join them and remember the times when a lot of visitors made her happy instead of exhausted. 

 

The mistake that Tara makes is to thank everybody for coming to see her “one last time”. She doesn’t think about it, because it’s the truth, and in that moment it isn’t even a sad one, it’s just what it is, but of course, it leads to a discussion. Apparently, neither her aunt Manon who came all the way from France to see her, nor Tara’s grandparents are informed about what’s happening. 

 

“I don’t understand,” Grandpa Harold says after someone reminds them of Tara’s kidneys giving up. “Can’t Theo help her out with that?” 

 

Tara looks at Theo sitting in a corner with his hands folded between his legs. They all start debating the matter as if he wasn’t right there among them. 

 

“Of course he can,” a cousin points out, “he’s definitely compatible. Or is something wrong with his kidneys, too?”

 

It starts as a cringe and soon turns downright painful to listen to the entire family engaging in a heated discussion, Tara’s eyes focused on a miserable looking Theo across from her. Nobody has even looked at him. Tara isn’t entirely sure they all know the boy sitting on the chair is him. He stares to the ground with horror in his eyes that doesn’t even fade when Liam moves to stand beside him and put a hand in his back. Tara knows why. Because the bomb is about to drop. 

 

“Nothing is wrong with Theo’s kidneys,” their father throws in, “Theo is eighteen now, and it’s not our choice if he wants to donate or not.” Tara wonders how many of the currently present people have given Theo a call or at least sent a card for his birthday earlier this year. She assumes she doesn’t want to know the answer. 

 

“Yes,” Tara’s Mom agrees, “And Theo has decided not to donate his kidney to his sister.” 

 

It sounds all wrong coming from her mother’s mouth, Tara thinks. Like the truth is so far twisted by the way she utters it. She clenches her hands into fists while she’s still looking at her brother. She can tell how much he wishes for the ability to turn himself invisible right now. 

 

“But why would he do that?” Grandma asks in disbelief. “Doesn’t he know what that means for her?” 

 

At that point, Theo breaks. He doesn’t look at Tara as he crosses the room and slams the door shut behind him. Liam does look at her, but Tara answers his silent question with  a light shake of her head. Just for one more moment, she needs him more than Theo does. 

 

“He does,” Tara says loudly. “Do you?” 

 

Everybody turns their head in her direction, seemingly surprised that she’s taking part in the conversation at all. Can’t they see how wrong it all is? The whole thing should be between her and Theo. And it is. They’ve talked about it for hours. They’ve cried in each other’s arms. They’ve been saying their goodbyes for weeks. 

 

“Do any of you know what it means to live life with only one kidney? Theo doesn’t deserve that. I might be half eaten up by cancer, but he’s not. He’s young and he’s strong and he’d be out there somewhere right now on a date with the boy he loves if he wasn’t always busy looking after me. I’m fucking sick of it! And if you think I would ever willingly take that from him, you’re insane! Leave him the fuck alone, all of you!” 

 

She can feel Liam’s eyes on her, differently than those of everybody else. 

 

“Tara,” her Mom says, reaching out, but Tara turns away. “You could both live, honey.” 

 

The truth has never been supposed to come out. That was Theo’s promise to her. He was going to save her from having to say what Tara is going to say next. 

 

“I don’t want it anymore, Mom,” she whispers, her voice suffocated. Looking straight at the white wall beside her bed is the only option that allows her not to break down. 

 

“What?” her mother asks. Tara knows she doesn’t understand this. She can’t. Her Mom is a fighter, a fiercely loving woman with the strength to move mountains for her baby girl. But Tara isn’t. 

 

“I can’t do it anymore,” she shrugs. “I will not take the kidney from Theo or anybody else. I can’t keep fighting, Mom. It’s over.” 

 

“No, Tara, honey, you don’t know what you’re saying. I’m sure we can talk to Theo.” It’s exactly what Tara has been afraid of, her mother refusing to give up, to let  _ her  _ give up.

 

“Don’t you get it?” she sobs. “It’s not about Theo! Do you seriously believe he didn’t offer me his kidney as soon as he found out I needed one? You know, somewhere along those past eighteen years, you should have taken the time to get to know him a little. He would have gone into surgery right that day. But I don’t want him to.”

 

Everybody is silent. Nobody has seen this coming. Not even Liam. 

 

“I’m tired,” Tara whispers, “I need you to let me go.” 


	3. The Defeat

Liam is so lost. He can feel his mother’s hand at his cheek and his stepdad’s on his shoulder, but they only make him more aware of his trembling. All he can see is the green of Tara’s eyes that has turned into an ocean. Deep down in his heart, it doesn’t surprise him that Theo isn’t the one making the decision for Tara’s battle to finally end. He knows Theo too well. 

 

Still, it hurts. Watching Tara in her hospital bed hurts so much that he wants to scream and smash his fist through the glass of the windowpane, wants to rip the wallpaper from the wall and hammer his head against it until his his heart stops bleeding.

 

For almost twenty years, basically all her life, Tara has been fighting cancer. Liam has known her for more than half of it. He has held her hand and distracted her from her pain, has told her over and over again how brave she is. Truth be told, he does understand her. He knows the truth behind the flower bouquets and the rugs and the shoulder pats because “you’re a hero, Tara”. She’s just a kid and she’s tired, and she’s been kept up far too long already. 

 

Liam will never forget the day he met Tara. He used to spend most of his childhood at the pediatric oncology, simply because there were so many kids for him to play with. He didn’t mind the tubes in their noses or their bald little heads. Liam was too young to be prejudiced. He remembers the skinny little arms coming out of a hospital gown and the bright green eyes looking at him as he rode his scooter over the linoleum in spite of David’s prohibition. He offered the girl to take it for a round up and down the hallway, but she was busy throwing up. 

 

Tara just came out of her very first chemotherapy. Tears were streaming down her puffy face as her weakened little body forced her to throw up over and over again. She begged her mother to let her lie down. “I’m tired,” she said over and over and over again, but Liam knew even back then that the puking belonged to the process. He abandoned his scooter and sat beside Tara, holding her dark brown hair back while she leaned over the plastic bin she’d been given and showing her his favorite comic book in between. After it was over, he offered her a chewing gum. Back then, it was just that easy to become best friends. 

 

It was years ago, and so many memories lie between then and now. Tara introducing Liam to her brother Theo, the two boys shaving Tara’s head before the hair could fall out by itself, her mother almost having a heart attack because of the result, Liam being grounded for two weeks after drawing on the wallpaper above Tara’s bed with a sharpie to make the wall less depressingly white. The day they convinced nurse Karina to buy ice-cream for the kids on Tara’s floor. Sneaking into an empty room one floor above and discovering a very strange channel on the tv there, giggling and watching through fingers that half-heartedly covered their eyes. 

 

There was the time Liam bought Tara a dress for her birthday and she dressed up and felt like a princess. Theo braided the hair of her wig and the two boys followed her through the entire hospital while Tara presented her new outfit to every single person she came across with a smile and a curtsy. There was the time when Theo taught the other two to play poker and the time when Tara couldn’t choose between three different colors of nail polish, so she simply decided that each of the boys had to wear one as well. 

 

So many bad jokes and discussions about their favorite tv shows. So many made up stories about the nurses at the hospital. So many evenings they took turns reading from a book, so much bad coffee. So many years. And so much has happened. But at the moment when Theo is gone and Tara sobs and begs for them all to finally let her go, in that moment Liam feels like all the time has never existed. 

 

He feels like he’s seeing the same watery eyes as all those years ago, and the same skinny fingers clenched around a white bedsheets. He wonders if Tara thinks her life has been as eventful as Liam sees it. He realizes that everything she’s ever had is cancer.

 

Liam doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know where to look, or whether to leave. Does he have to be there for Tara right now? Or for Theo? Does he need to be alone? What Liam has never been good at his being helpless. He’s a problem solver, a fighter. He does things, comes up with yet another crazy idea, always figures it out somehow, defeats the odds with pure stubbornness. For the first time in his life, he feels like he’s beyond that. It doesn’t help anymore. There’s nothing he can do, even if he wants, if he needs, if he’s ready and willing and…. It’s just no use. 

 

“Liam,” his mother whispers softly, her loving fingers tugging at his fist until he unclenches it. He wasn’t aware of digging his fingernails into the skin to roughly that both his palms are now bleeding. 

 

“We should probably give them some space, Liam,” David says. He’s not wrong. Liam knows that this day has always been meant for Tara to say goodbye to her family. 

 

He can feel her eyes on him as he lets his parents lead him outside and turns his head. There’s an expression of uncertainty in her eyes, a silent question, an eyebrow raised, a held breath. All that is left for him to give her is a nod. He tells her yes. Yes, he understands her. Yes, he will be alright. Yes, he will spend all his life taking care of her brother for her. And for him. 

 

Tara nods back before she allows herself to sink down into her pillow, her mother and father at either side of her bed, holding her hands. They give each other the encouragement that none of them has, but what else is there to do? Tara’s life is about to be over, and Liam’s will never be the same again. 

 

***

 

This time, Theo chose his truck over the roof. He just doesn’t feel like going there anymore. It was Liam who showed them the spot, Liam who he only knows because of Tara, Liam who only spends so much time at the hospital because of Tara, and even if Liam and Theo have spent a few evenings alone up there, even if Theo has been dying to hold Liam’s hand again, even if he’s so deeply in love with the boy that it really isn’t funny anymore, a part of him believes that there is no Liam and Theo in a world where there is no Tara. 

 

Theo has lost count of the times he’s said his goodbyes to his sister before a surgery and the times they all thought it was over before a new drug was tested on Tara and miraculously bought her some more time. Hope has always been a luxury they can’t afford, and yet, their lives have continued. Inside a hospital or not, connected to machines that keep her body alive, with hair growing on her head or without it, Tara has been there for all of Theo’s life, and now she will leave him. 

 

Theo knows why. He knows she wanted to die right on the day when he had to change her bedsheets and pajama pants because there was absolutely no way to control her body anymore. He could feel her shame as he cleaned everything up. At some point, the thought of being dead becomes less scary than the reality of dying a little bit more everyday. 

 

They have talked it all through over and over again. They’re on the same page. A hospital is not a home and neither doctors nor nurses are real friends and some battles can not be won. 

 

For many years, Tara has put only one thing on her christmas wish list. While Theo has wanted all the toys and all the video games and all the sports equipment, Tara has only ever wished to be healthy. But the day has come that things are different. They’re not talking about her next birthday anymore, although it’s only two months away. They have long stopped searching the internet for innovative therapy methods. 

 

All that Tara wants is to be done. And Theo knows in his heart that she deserves it. 

 

Still, she’s his big sister and a childish and incredibly selfish voice somewhere in the back of his mind keeps insisting that she owes it to him to stay with him. He loves her so much and he can not go on without her. Who even is Theo Raeken if not Tara’s little brother? Theo catches his own reflection in the mirror. If someone ever compliments him on the color of his eyes again - the same color as hers - he will have to rip them apart. 

 

His entire family hates him. Theo knows his mother will never see anything other than the boy who let his sister die in him, but he doesn't care. He doesn’t care about anybody thinking him a selfish jerk for keeping both his kidneys to himself. He doesn’t care that the tiny chance he might have had with Liam will be ruined from now on. He has no capacities left for those things. Theo’s heart is already broken, his body, his will, his entire soul. He’s falling apart over the loss of his sister, the one person who has meant the world to him. The one person that he has meant the world to. 

 

Of course, Liam finds him eventually. Liam always finds Theo, and if not, then he knows that Tara told her best friend to give him space. Instead of climbing into the passenger seat though, Liam practically rips the door at Theo’s side open and pulls him out of the parked car. Theo winces at the touch of his hands around his upper arms, averts his eyes, hates Liam a little bit for doing this to him. Liam always wants to talk, but this time, there’s nothing left to say. 

 

Instead of speaking, Liam silently wraps his arms around Theo, pulls him against his chest and strokes his hair with one hand. Theo hates it, absolutely detests everything the gesture does to him. It feels like Liam is cracking him open, tearing down the walls he likes to hide behind while his inner self is crouching in a corner wailing. When Theo breaks apart on his own, he manages to keep it all inside. When Theo breaks apart with Liam around, it all comes flooding out of him without control. 

 

It fucking hurts. It hurts so much that Theo slumps down against Liam’s shoulder because he’s too weak on his own. His knees give in and Liam is everything that holds Theo up as he cries with ugly sobbing sounds and tears burning hot on his cheeks that he hides in the crook of Liam’s neck. 

 

“I don’t want her to die,” Theo presses out. He’s sure Liam can’t possibly understand him with the mess of sounds falling from his trembling lips, but Liam nods and pats his back as long as it takes. “I need her. She can’t die.” And then it needs out, over and over again, because Theo needs to tell someone that it’s not okay for her to die, once at least for every time he’s told Tara the exact opposite. 

 

“I know,” Liam whispers back. 

 

***

 

As July comes to an end, so does Tara. Liam can tell it with every day that he and Theo spend watching her sweating through her hospital gown during a restless sleep. She’s almost never conscious, and when she is, she doesn’t have the energy to talk to them. 

 

“Here,” Theo says one day, holding a tiny bottle of nail polish out to Liam, getting to work on the nails of her other hand himself as well. “She’s going to like it when she wakes up. She’s always loved the blue ones the most.” 

 

Liam paints the nails of her right hand in a navy blue while Theo does the same to her left hand with a bright turquoise. Tara never mentions it and Liam isn’t sure she’s even noticed. They tell her stories, turn on the tv and put a string of lights up above her head, but for days, they both know that they’re doing it more for themselves than for her. Tara has left them. 

 

One day, they almost forget that she’s there. The silence has drained them of all their ideas for things to do, and so they fell asleep on the empty bed in the far corner of Tara’s room. Liam wakes up first, a little disoriented and confused by the heavy weight on his shoulder. When he looks down, he sees Theo’s peacefully relaxed face. 

 

The dark circles beneath his eyes are still there, but with his hair a little messed up and his eyes closed, long, golden lashes throwing shadows onto his cheeks and chapped lips slightly parted, Theo looks younger than usually and incredibly innocent. Even more than on any other day, he looks like Liam wants to hug him and hold him in his arms forever. He feels this urge to protect the sleeping boy with his life, feels like taking on the whole world for him. 

 

Liam has known that he’s in love with Theo for years by now, but in that moment his eyes are opened to just how deeply. 

 

The world is cruel and unfair, to Theo more so than to most other people. Life never wanted him, only accepted him as a tool in a doctor’s hand, a tool to save his sister’s life, and in the end, none of his endless sacrifices are enough. Theo is the bravest person that Liam knows. The strongest. The kindest. He has the biggest heart and the one shattered into the most shreds. 

 

Liam wants to stop the world and spin it in the opposite direction, wants to paint the skies blue and the grass green, wants to make life a safe place, a happy place, wants to build a universe that will grant Theo the things he deserves instead of this. 

 

He touches the smooth skin on Theo’s cheek and drags his fingertip through the softness of his beard, feeling it tickling on his skin. Liam knows it’s the exhaustion and the sadness causing Theo not to shave anymore, but he can’t deny that the facial hair suits him. The thing about the beard is like the thing about everything else between Theo and Liam; It could be beautiful, if only a dying friend and sister wasn’t the beginning of it all. 

 

Liam is leaned right over Theo’s face, his mind distracted as his fingers wander along the sharp jawline. Theo wakes up quite abruptly, jumping a little before he opens his eyes, looking around before he recognizes Liam and relaxes against his shoulder. Liam smiles. He half expected Theo to move away from him. This thing between them is fragile to say the least. 

 

There’s a tension, a connection between them that has been nurtured by longing looks and lingering touches rather than actual words or actions. Liam has taken Theo’s hand a few times and Theo has even done the same, but all of it has gone uncommented so far. None of them has ever felt like falling in love is what they’re here for. There’s always been this bigger picture. 

 

But the bigger picture is hard to see with their faces so close together that they drown in each other’s eyes. There’s only blue and green and breathing and racing heartbeats.

 

“Slept well?” Liam whispers. 

 

“Yeah,” Theo nods. 

 

“Sweet dreams?” Liam wants to know with a smile. He doesn’t need Theo to make the first step, he only needs a sign. 

 

“Not sure,” Theo mumbles, “am I still in it?” Just for a millisecond, his eyes flicker down from Liam’s eyes to his lips and then right back up again. 

 

Liam has to lower his head just an inch until their his lips brush against Theo’s. Their not even really kissing, just breathing against each other’s lips and letting them touch, all slow and careful. Theo might be the strongest person Liam knows, but in that moment, he knows that he has the power to break him. Theo doesn’t pull back, but he doesn’t really make any attempt to kiss Liam either. 

 

Liam’s hand slides down from Theo’s face to his chest, palm flat over a rapidly beating heart. When Theo’s eyes open, something in them doesn’t seem right to Liam. They stare at each other for a moment, and it almost looks like Theo is about to say something, but he doesn’t, he lies still with a pained expression on his face until he can’t anymore. 

 

“No,” he whispers as he shuffles away from Liam, who doesn’t understand anything at all. 

 

“No what?” he asks incredulously, his own fingers ghosting over the trembling lip that has just been touched by Theo’s as if there’s a chance to feel the memory between them. 

 

“No this,” Theo presses out, gesturing vaguely at their air between him and Liam, at the invisible strings there, connecting them. 

 

Liam feels stupid, tears burning in his eyes. He feels rejected, and a part of him knows that Theo is not rejecting him personally, but the whole concept of being in love while his sister is dying. “W-why?” Liam wants to know. He does know, so why is he asking? He can’t explain it. 

 

“Liam,” Theo whines, begging him not to force him to explain. 

 

“Theo,” Liam replies, equally frustrated. 

 

“You’re not mine,” Theo says simply before he turns away to stand beside the bed Tara is somewhat asleep in. 

 

It’s bullshit. It’s all a pile of hot,steaming bullshit, because Liam doesn’t even need Theo to his, he only needs Theo to be his own, but not even that seems to be a thing Theo allows himself. As always, his world revolves around Tara, and Liam hates himself for his jealousy of her, but what can he do? He almost kissed the love of his life. But the moment is over. 

 

***

 

Before August gets the chance to begin, Liam receives a call from Tara in the middle of a boring class, he doesn’t even know which one. He storms out of the classroom, ignores the high-pitched voice of his teacher calling after him, leaves his backpack behind and runs. He doesn’t take the call, doesn’t have to. 

 

It should be a text. A text consisting of random letters because Tara’s fingers don’t obey her well enough anymore to type actual words. A text telling him that she still thinks of him when she’s conscious enough. A call means that she needs him. A call means that he has to hurry. A call means better make it to the hospital before it’s too late. 

 

It’s not too late when Liam arrives, panting heavily into the calm that has settled in Tara’s room. Her parents are sitting by her side, forced smiles on their reddened faces. She’s all wrapped up in blankets, her lips blue, her eyes glassy. 

 

“Liam,” she says, leaning back and closing her eyes. She smiles as much as the few remaining muscles in her face allow her. “Now I only have to wait for Theo.” 

 

It’s the end. She wants to go. 

 

Probably for the first time ever, Tara’s brother makes her wait. Their parents are sure that Tara has called him before she’s called Liam, and Theo has the truck, so what is taking him so long? 

 

“He’s just stuck in traffic, honey,” Tara’s father assures her. Nobody says that they don’t believe him. 

 

Liam gets more restless with every passing minute. He calls Theo’s phone that sends him straight to voicemail. Once. Twice. Fourteen times. No luck. 

 

Half an hour passes, Tara drifts off and wakes up again. Liam can hear all of their hearts breaking again when she realizes that her brother still hasn’t made it. 

 

“I can’t go without him,” she says, her voice so clear that it makes Liam’s skin crawl. It’s the most she’s spoken in days. 

 

One hour. One entire hour too long until the door finally opens. A heavy weight tumbles from Liam’s tensed up shoulders until he recognizes David’s face in the door. And when he sees the pain written on his stepdad’s features, the weight is back, tenfold. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” is the last thing that Liam hears before he falls into shock. His soul leaves his body as David continues with a thick voice. Pain doesn’t even come close to describing what it feels like when the information trickles through the cracks in his heart like lava. It burns. It burns so hot that it’s beyond hurting. What Tara and his parents are doing, Liam has no idea, because he’s gone, gone out of his own mind and into emptiness. It can’t be true. It can’t be right. It can’t be him. 

 

There’s been an accident. Liam thinks the same thing as everybody else as he hears this. Accidents mean potential organ donors. And there is one. One that is perfectly compatible with Tara. Ridiculously compatible. 

 

“He’s dead,” David repeats. “He was dead before the ambulance even arrived.” 

 

Liam can’t breathe. 

 

Not Theo. 

 

No.

 

It was not supposed to be him. 

 

“I need you to make a decision,” he hears David say to Tara’s and Theo’s parents, but they are all so far away from him. Everything, everything is far away from him except his own heartbeat, and how dare this stupid thing inside his chest still make all this noise, even when Theo just died? How dare the stupid world keep spinning? How dare they talk about Theo’s kidney like it isn’t still inside of him? 


	4. The End

They meet again one year later. For one year, they haven’t seen each other, because it’s not how things go anymore. She has a life outside of the hospital now, and he’s not her doctor’s son. Both have been avoiding each other, not ready to take on the other’s pain on top of their own. Still, they will always be connected, coming back to cry at the same grave, missing the same person, suffering the same heartbreak. 

 

They don’t greet each other, he just nods at her as she steps beside him in the damp grass. Her hair has grown out, her cheeks are rosy, she looks good. She’s not the girl he met after her first chemotherapy anymore, and not just because she isn’t vomiting this time. He’s glad to see her looking healthy, but he doesn’t say it, mostly because he knows she would give it all away without hesitation if only she could get her brother back.  

 

She grabs his hand, their cold fingers pressing together in an attempt to offer another hope on this day. They remain silent for a long time, looking down at the grey stone with his name written on it, the letters too small to do his sacrifice justice. Both of them have been putting down flowers around it frequently, but they always lose their beauty quicker than they can be replaced. The most beautiful ones always die first. 

 

It seems to be okay as they’re standing there, remembering a smile none of them is ever going to see again. They find comfort in the certainty that the other understands their tears. They’re going to make up for his death by living both their lives to the fullest - it’s the last promise they gave him, although they rather made it to each other, since he was long gone by then. It seems to be okay as they lay down their letters for him, sharing parts of two lives he’s no longer a part of. It seems to be okay as they look at each other, agreeing that it’s time to go with a light nod, knowing that no amount of coldness creeping up their weak legs is going to bring him back. It seems to be okay as they say their silent goodbyes. 

 

It’s no longer okay when they turn around and walk away. It’s far from okay - leaving him behind, breathing when he isn’t, moving freely, maybe hurting, but at least being able to  _ feel _ at all. They’re no longer crying silent tears, they’re sobbing and shaking as they bring more distance between them and him - although  _ him _ is really just a grave, just a stone in the ground and a few sad flowers. 

 

Tara has been in remission ever since she got his kidney. She has hope to live a long life, all because of him, but also without him. Nothing about being cancer-free feels the way she always imagined. The worst thing is, she’s going to be a college student soon, and eventually she’s going to be a working adult, a writer if everything works out for her. She will remain Liam’s friend. Maybe she’ll be a mother one day. Maybe, maybe. So many possibilities. But she’s not a sister anymore. Not a sister. Not her brother’s keeper. 

 

Liam is about to finish high school, but he’s not going to add his initials to the great collection of graduates on the shelf in the library. Because the letters L.D. should have come a year after T.R. And so he’ll let the years pass without either happening. He’s never set foot into the hospital again. He keeps a safe distance from the place where he lost his heart to a boy who took it with him to a place where neither are ever going to return from. 

 

It should be the end, but life continues without mercy. At least for two of them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to let it all out! <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Life or Death](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15538668) by [parttimehuman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman)




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